A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Just a phase…
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.