Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
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My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need