Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.