Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
hmmm
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!