Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
You Might Also Like
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.