[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
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When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..