Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Storm Tropical Storm
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy