The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
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8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
do u think theres a butter planet?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
why would tinder want me to say this
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.