Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I only treason on days ending in y
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I have two kinds of followers
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits