i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
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*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
mom gave me mine for free
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.