There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
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Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I think the cat got the dog high.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”