Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
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My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.