It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
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*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho