When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I wish this was real life…
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill