Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Stop sending me this shit.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Happy birthday to all the women
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think