Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
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Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high