Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.