Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?