[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
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ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.