TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
These 3D printers are insane!
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.