Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now