Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write