My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Wait a second…
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares