What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.