Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
You Might Also Like
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
The Birdles
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
dutch so unserious
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
That earthquake could have been an email.