my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
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Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Lmao
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.