Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
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My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Made something I’m not proud of
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then