My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
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I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
next question.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?