Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.