So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…