guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
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*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
That’s no pocket rocket.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Going to church you guys need anything
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO