The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
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*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I’m going to need a moment here.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“You’d better run, egg!”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other