I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
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The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
“you recording!?”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb