My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
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Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Yes
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Sheep
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration