(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
He-man has a Masters degree
Ovenable?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!