Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
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My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Fluff me with a fork baby
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.