Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Human are so complicated
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey