My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
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[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.