Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
You Might Also Like
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.