Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
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Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.