The glory of fall.
You Might Also Like
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs