[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
favorite tropes as memes
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*