Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine