Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
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I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.