Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
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DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Life hack
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.