IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
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It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
When someone says you are so lazy
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Hell yeah 👍
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein