Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.