I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
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Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?