People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I can’t wait!
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.