My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
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Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
This is so me 😂😂
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.